Dont take my word for it.

If it was at all possible to condense my experiences, my life thus far, my existence, into an adequate testimonial- the length would scare the reader away at first glance. And by testimonial, I do mean a testimony of how God has saved me from a bitter, hopeless life. I have been trying to write this out for some time, only finding that I am a fat klutz in semantics and a perfectionist without the patience to perfect the message. Especially this message. For the message I want to proclaim I feel needs so much eloquence, fluency, and passionate expression that I could never be happy with a written result. I may be able to gather all these writings together one day and present to you the manic fool that I have been while running away from God, and then contrast this with the gleaming truth of a life centered on Him. That piece, I'l call my testimony. That message, the one God calls me to proclaim, I would much rather you see animated in my own life. Now, I have had a dificult time being 'animated' in my belief. And I would like to warn you of a pitfall I have nearly destroyed myself in: Trying to understand God. At the rate I was going, I would have driven myself into a hermit hole obsessing over my inability to understand God, my inability to love something I don’t understand, and my inability to trust His design. Yes, these things all can create quite a stubborn lack of faith. There is no end to doubt. I take that back, there is only one end to doubt- and it’s a bitter one. But let’s go back to my inabilities, and focus on the fact that they are my inabilities. Not Gods. If you must know, I have proclaimed christianity for years now, but found the practicing quite difficult. The only thing I want you to draw from my past is that it has consistently lacked faith. How can you be a Christian and not have faith? I’m not quite sure, I was intimidated by this proposal- and my reply if ever cornered on the issue was.. ‘I just do’, all the while thinking- ‘and I also don’t’.. What is this line of thinking.. who knows- maybe you can relate to some extent. Now let me tell you what the Bible sais: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1) This one verse- which is both profound and simple (As is the beauty of the Bible) brought to me such an arcane sensation of warmth. Maybe your re-reading the verse, seeing if you missed something, thinking ‘what is this guy talking about’.. It wasn’t just the verse, it was so many other things that God used- and unfortunately, you would have to be me to fully understand how one simple verse can be felt in such a manner. But here is what I want you to take away from this little blog entry. Every realization, I wanted to be my salvation. I wanted to understand the gospel until it made sense and through understanding- find God. This is so dangerous. Reading the scripture is one thing, living it- is another. I would read some, get frustrated, and then continue in spiritual incoherence. How can faith be real to you, if you are not living the Scriptures. You cannot read about the moon, and then tell someone you’ve been there. You cannot know the texture of the ground until you have stood upon it. In our case, in the Christians case, we must live the word. I am not telling you to quit reading it, but in my experience- faith is manifested in living the truths of the gospel. I’m not sure how I’ve gotten the idea that faith could not be realized until it was understood. The understanding comes, in the living. How could I love God, if I did not pursue a relationship with Him? How could I understand his design, if I was stuck in my own? We are commanded not to lean on our own understanding. I disobeyed. Like I said, I’m a bit of a manic fool. I still got plenty in me, but letting go of my own finite ability to understand and putting faith in God, and praying to Him.. has been so freeing- truly indescribable. There’s so many more beautiful things I could tell you about faith- but really- the Bible is much better at it. I’d point you that way. Just know- your rational, your logic, you ability to reason, is so crippled and will lead you into all sorts of terrible places. I would know. Especially when you try to line your own ideas up with God’s. There is no freeing the mind, there is no opening the mind. The mind is undoubtedly a prison, of which there is no earthly escape. And within the confines, Satan plays cruel tricks on us. Simple and profound- Christianity is.. I’ll tell you, I’m as stubborn and proud as they come, cruel as a catheter, and apathetic.. but the Scriptures, they melt even the most deep-rooted sins, they really do transform us and make us new.. I’ve heard it said- we are not just born again- we are born again, and again, and again.. I love this. But, dont take my word for it, take God's Word- and live it.